Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Bone Density Picture

Feeling better again

I am now in my 'happy cycle', thank goodness, and what a relief! Life feels more positive, and being pain-free means I can live my life to the full.

Got a call from the hospital today to say I am now having my Bone Density Scan on 23.1.08. That is obviously a lot sooner than May, but I may still attempt to phone them to see if there is any chance I could bring it any further forward.

More than anything else I am concerned now that the actual test result is OK, because having a bad result could be disasterous, not only for my bones, but will mean I am unable to return to Zoladex. I am not sure how I will handle that.

Thursday, December 13, 2007


This week has been just awful. On Monday evening, I ended up going to A&E, but it was all a waste of time, and they didn't do anything. Putting me on an IV or Morphine was mentioned but not carried out. Had a long chat with the very nice doctor about how it wasn't just the physical pain, but the effect it had on my mental health as well.

I am now on day 6, and things have finished for the month, but am left with the most terrible depression which is really knocking me sideways, and taken the wind out of my sails having not had this for about 5 months. Just feel awful and seriously wonder what point there is in me going on.

My work have been lovely and sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. Additionally I have just heard I am going to be allowed to have a cat flap, so this will give me much greater choice in the type of new cat I can choose.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Day 3

Usually on day three things start to level off, both pain and bleeding-wise. Not so. In fact although things were manageable in the day-time, things seem to have taken off to a new level again this evening. Means upping the anti on the drug front in order to cope with the battle. Gets quite interesting really - working out a strategic plan of action. Had another hot bath - seem to be having about 4 baths a day at the moment. Hot water is on 'constant'. Did some deep breathing for a while, 'pushing the pain away' as the midwives show you on TV programmes where women give birth. Was quite a good thing to do. Got various pillows to put under my knees in bed as my back is too sore to lie flat. Got a heat pad on full-blast.

Saw GP again today. She asked me what I wanted to do. Duh! I would have thought that was obvious... But then again, perhaps not! I have asked her to contact my consultant again and tell him how unmanageable my situation is, and how on top of all the pain I am now very depressed and also about to shout at anyone who gets in my way. I too, left a distress message on the Endo nurse's phone in the early hours of Sunday morning. My GP and I discussed hysterectomy - I said, I'd love one, but consultant isn't convinced this will solve my problem.

There is no doubt about it - I have reached the end of my tether. This can't go on.
I didn't go to work today. Tried to do some from home and gave up. My concentration was poor, and I was too depressed to do much. Given that my pain has increased significantly again this evening, I shouldn't be too surprised if I don't go in tomorrow either. I am so hypersensitive that I am liable to cry if anyone says anything slightly unkind to me, and I am apt to making mistakes whilst I am drugged out and all over the place. This is no quality of life at all.

Sorry for the whinge!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

"To You"

I look at you and know that you are hurting; I can see the pain in your eyes and the drops forming at the corner of your eyes oozing vulnerability. I gather you up in my arms like a bundle of wood, being careful not to splinter you. We are sitting in bed and I am behind you with my legs around yours in the spoon embrace. I am kissing you tenderly, but non-sexually on the nape of the neck, and stroking your hair. I am rocking you rhythmically, but oh, so gently. The bravery in your face is being washed away by your flowing tears. I want you to let it all out. I stroke your arms and my silence intensifies as I listen to your broken words. Gradually I am anchoring you, and although you are still a heaving wreck, you have let go and let me take you on board.

Gradually you subside, and your storm tempers. I gently cover us both with a quilt and you crash in my arms; exhausted by your fight. Your breathing relaxes like a subtle breeze, and I cease rocking you. I place you gently onto your side and wrap my being around yours, until we are a jigsaw, saving any missing pieces. I continue to stroke your soft, warm body, before I myself succumb to sleep.

In the Wee Small Hours

There is no doubt that being in pain is an isolating experience. The worst thing is the loneliness that one feels when being in pain in the wee small hours of the night. It is a difficult time because everything is very quiet, and normally you would be fast asleep yourself... except you can't sleep. The pain is keeping your brain up and active which leads to more frustration and misery because there is no one you can talk to, or cuddle up to if you are single.

I sometimes dream of someone just scooping me up into their arms and holding me and telling me that it will all be OK - even if it won't be. It is just about getting rid of some of the misery you feel and dumping it temporarily onto them. I suppose there is great truth in that old adage, 'a problem shared is a problem halved'.


Basal Temperature Thermometer

I am going to chart my temperature daily with one of these (above) - thought it might be an interesting exercise, not there is the remotest chance (nor would I want there to be!!) of the patter or tiny feet.....

Mr P .... was late!

Well OK - only 2 days late, but it gets to a point where you just want this thing to start so that it can go away again for another 28-30 days.

The thing is that I am still having pain for at least 8-10 days, and even if it is less severe (so far!) than before the surgery, it is still a chunk of time out of my life each month, and is very wearing.

I am also feeling very depressed today - very empty and don't want to be by myself, even though I am. Am also missing the cat horribly - she was a legend on days like this.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Nearly Due....

Started to have some pain over the past few days - generally all fine today, still expecting things to kick-off soon. It gets worrying for me at work - I hate messing people about, but it is a situation that is also beyond my control.

I am hoping that things will be better this time around with the Mirena now gone.